


I Need You More Than I Want To Admit

by nickwritesstuff



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Parenting, Bisexuality, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Character Study, Child Abuse, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rich Goranski Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22956007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickwritesstuff/pseuds/nickwritesstuff
Summary: Rich's life didn't get better after the SQUIP. It got worse, and when he got rid of it, he felt like he was done suffering. He was wrong.
Relationships: Rich Goranski/Jeremy Heere
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	I Need You More Than I Want To Admit

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, and welcome back to my newest obsession: Spicy Bis. 
> 
> I imagined the West End version of the characters, but I think it works with everyone. I tried to avoid describing them too specifically, so you can decide who you want them to be.

Rich wasn't used to this. He couldn't help but feel like everything was wrong, even though it seemed perfect. He had friends. He knew he didn't deserve them, but they were there. Even Jeremy.

Jeremy...

Rich bit his lip as he approached him in the hall. Even though it was full of people, Jeremy somehow managed to stood out. It wasn't because Rich would notice him anywhere. Totally not.

Anyways, Jeremy was there, smiling at Michael, which did not fill Rich with jealousy. He gulped, and forced a smirk. Then, Jeremy looked at him, and he was now close enough to greet, but oh God, the way Jeremy's eyes lit up... Yes, probably that was the thing that led Rich to say something he never wanted to say, ever.

"Hey, cute-ass."

Rich had to physically stop himself from facepalming, but he did close his eyes for just a second, rethinking his life choices, and wondering what kind of sick karma caused this. But then, Jeremy giggled. Rich was far too bi for this shit.

"Hey, you can help us," Jeremy said, and if Rich didn't notice the red tint on his cheeks, he would've thought Jeremy didn't hear his little slipup. "So Michael bought this game, but it turns out, it's easier if there are more than two players."

"What's this game?" Rich asked, still trying to figure out what Jeremy was thinking. He readjusted his backpack, a habit he used to have, before... That.

"A cheap and awful version of Portal," Michael said with a small smirk. "I don't think you know it. Portal, I mean."

"I love Portal," Rich stood his ground. It wasn't a secret that Michael didn't like him. He always tried to make Rich act the way he did when he had the thing. He usually failed.

"Cool, so you could come over after school," Jeremy smiled, and Rich felt himself melt again. That smile could cure cancer, and nobody would've been able to convince Rich otherwise. 

"Okay, you guys need a ride?" he asked, looking at mainly Michael. He was the last person in their group that hadn't forgiven him yet. Even Brooke didn't hate him anymore, but it was a lot more difficult with this guy.

"I have a car," Michael said coldly. "I'm not that much of a loser."

Jeremy made a noise, and Rich flinched. Of course Michael had a car. It was an old Cruiser, he was pretty sure. He'd seen it countless times in the parking lot.

"Right. Sorry," he bit his lip. He still wasn't used to not being able to cover his lisp. It was pretty frustrating. "Then I'll meet you guys at Jeremy's?"

"Yeah, that can work," Jeremy smiled again. "Just text me when you get there so I can let you in. Dad heard there were some break-ins, so now we gotta lock the door all the time, and..."

Rich watched Jeremy, how animated he was when he talked. His hands never stopped moving, and he was shifting his weight from one leg to the other constantly. When his body moved, his hair moved with him, and sometimes he stopped to push it back, just for it to bounce back to it's original place.

"...and basically now I have two keys, so that won't happen again," he finished. Rich looked at him in the eyes with a small smile.

"I don't have your number though."

Jeremy's eyes widened. "Oh shit, gimme your phone."

If your crush asks for your phone, you give it to him. Even if your wallpaper is from Steven Universe, even if you have two contacts, one called "Don't Pick Up", and the other "Bro". Jeremy didn't comment on anything, except for that little smirk, probably when he saw the wallpaper. 

"There," he gave the phone back, and sure enough, another contact was there.

"Cute-ass. Nice," Rich managed to choke out as he read the name Jeremy chose for himself. He also included a gay flag, and a heart emoji. Now what the fuck did this mean?

"See you at lunch?" Jeremy asked, and Rich couldn't help but feel like he wanted him to say yes. Rich never sat with the others during lunch. He just didn't feel like it was fair. They all had to go through a trauma, and it was mainly Rich who caused it, so no, thank you. He had no problem hanging out with them separately, but he was scared that if the whole squad was there, he'd freak out.

"I'd love to," Rich started, and he already saw Jeremy's face fell. He was also pretty sure Michael rolled his eyes.

"But you have to study," Jeremy finished the sentence. "You study so much, yet you don't even go to class."

"I go to class," Rich objected. "See, I'm going to class right now."

"You're an ass," Jeremy laughed, and Rich quickly made a heart out of his fingers before disappearing from the boys. 

He navigated through the people who were staring at him. Of course. He always wore long sleeved shirts now, but he couldn't exactly hide the burn marks on his neck. His face healed nicely though, but he still couldn't feel it as good as before. 

He avoided eye contact, and cursed himself for forgetting his earbuds. He always had earbuds in. That way he couldn't hear the gasps and whispers. Now, they were all around him.

"He started the fire."

"Psycho."

"Shouldn't he be dead?"

"He's the reason Jake broke his legs."

"Why does he even still go here?"

"Rich?"

The last one was new. People usually didn't bother to address him. He looked up to see Jenna Rolan. She was standing in his way, a worried expression on her face.

"Hey," Rich said, forcing a smile. Jenna only shook her head, her hair flowing everywhere. 

"Come on, let's get you outta here."

Rich didn't even have time to process, Jenna was already guiding him through the people, probably shooting glances at them, because it was insanely quiet. Rich hunched his shoulders, trying to disappear, but Jenna was holding his arm gently, and pulled him towards the yard.

"Why are we here?" Rich asked, furrowing his brows. Jenna shrugged, and sat on a bench. The yard was empty, most people were rushing to get to class. "Do you plan to murder me?"

"Please, if I wanted to do that, you'd already be six feet under," Jenna laughed. "You looked like you could use a break. You smoke?"

Rich hesitantly nodded, and accepted a cigarette before he sat next to Jenna. She lit her own and Rich's, before putting away the lighter, and looking back at the school. 

"They probably won't stop until you graduate," she said. Rich huffed. He knew that. "It would help if they saw you with us."

Rich huffed again, but this time, he didn't look at Jenna. "It wouldn't help me. Or you."

"Why don't you wanna try?" Jenna asked, slightly raising her voice. "I know you hang out with us sometimes, but then you avoid us when we're together."

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"I just need a fucking explanation," Jenna shifted, almost like she wanted to stand up, but changed her mind.

"Why, so you can save poor Richard Goranski?" Rich raised his voice as well. "I used to bully these people, all of them. Even you. Brooke. Jeremy."

He closed his eyes for a second to stop them from burning. He had to wear contacts again, but he still couldn't get used to them.

"I was fucking terrible. So no, I don't want you to help me, because I deserve every single glance, and every fucking whisper, and I deserve to get shoved in the halls, and I deserve everyone to look at me when there's even a mention of the fire, and..." Rich almost dropped his cigarette. With a shaky hand, he lifted it to his mouth and took a long drag.

"Do you think Jeremy would deserve to get shoved in the halls?" Jenna asked quietly. Rich let out a humorless laugh.

"That's different."

"Different how?" Jenna turned to look at him. "You took one of those fuckers, and so did he. You were an asshole, and so was he. You put some people in danger, but so. Did. He."

Rich could only shake his head. "He didn't have a choice. If I didn't tell him about... About them, none of this would've happened."

"Yes," Jenna nodded. "I wouldn't have friends. Chloe and Jake would still circle around each other like two idiots. Jeremy would still hate himself. Brooke would still think she's not worth anything. Would it really be better?"

With that, she crushed her cigarette with her shoe, and threw it in a nearby trash bin. Rich stayed there, on the bench as Jenna walked past him.

"I hope I'll see you at lunch," she said before leaving Rich outside. He smoked the rest of his cigarette, and similarly to Jenna, he put it out, and threw it in the trash. 

He never really attended class. He knew which part of the book they were reading, thanks to some money, and a kid who was willing to make notes for him. So he just hid in the school library, and studied there. Less people, less noise. Less weird looks. 

Look, he knew he deserved all the shit he got. But sometimes, it was exhausting. He was scared to go to class, because his teachers knew him from before the fire. They knew what Rich Goranski was like. Everyone did.

The bell caught him off guard. He didn't even manage to open his textbook yet, and class was already over. He looked around in the library, but nobody was there. Typical, sometimes even the librarian left. He huffed, and looked at his watch. He had one more period to decide whether he wanted to have lunch with the others or not. 

He sighed, and packed his things. It was obvious he couldn't study in the library. He needed someone to make him listen, like a teacher. So, he headed to his next class, English. Rich liked English. He found poetry beautiful and interesting. No matter how many people read a poem, they usually all had different thoughts on it. 

"Is that Rich?" 

"Careful, he'll set your book on fire."

There they were again. The whispers, the looks, everything. Rich kept his head down, and sat at the back of the classroom. 

"Goranski?"

"Here."

He didn't care about the murmurs anymore. He just wanted to think about anything but the others. Hamlet sounded perfect.

The class was over as quickly as it started. Rich tensed when he heard the bell, then relaxed again. It was gonna be okay.

He gripped the straps of his backpack like his life depended on it, and made his way towards the cafeteria. It was full of people who were full of themselves, but Rich didn't care. He just wanted to find the others, show them (and himself) that he could do this. Because he could.

He picked up a tray, and got in the line to get some food. It looked weird, but it was practically free, so who was he to judge? He looked around, and noticed a table, slightly bigger than the rest. They were there, talking and laughing. Rich's grip tightened on his tray as he stepped closer. He could hear their voices now.

"...probably won't come," Chloe said. "It would be weird anyways."

"Don't be a bitch," Brooke laughed. "I'm sure it'd be fun."

"Yeah, I've always wanted to have lunch with my ex-bully," Michael's voice raised above every noise. It probably wasn't even that loud, but it felt like it rang around Rich for far too long. 

"I mean," Christine spoke up, "it could get really weird really fast."

"Finally you said something smart," Chloe laughed loudly. "It's better for everyone this way. Let the nerd eat in the library."

Rich froze and caught Jenna's eye. She opened her mouth, probably to say something, but Rich didn't wait for the others to notice him. He blinked rapidly, blaming the burning sensation in his eyes on the contact lenses. He dumped his tray into the trash, and left the cafeteria. Then the school. 

He didn't know where he was going. He was just driving as far away as he could. He couldn't go home, his dad would notice, and he wasn't up for a beating because he decided to skip school. He cursed, and turned onto a dirt road that probably led to nowhere. He wanted to be nowhere. To just stop existing.

He was kidding himself this whole day. He thought he could be normal, to get his friends to like him, to get Jeremy to like him. He didn't even try to defend him. He probably agreed with Chloe. Rich did too. He should've stayed in the library. His safe place. 

He stopped the car when the road ended. Trees were all around him, covering him from the world. He finally let out a quiet sob, as if he was scared someone would hear him. Not like anyone would care. Not even Jeremy.

He deserved it, really. He needed someone to put him back in his place. Nerds stay in the library. People with no friends eat alone. People like Rich don't deserve to be happy. 

He punched the seat next to him. Then again. He punched that damn seat until his knuckles went numb. He didn't care that he was crying anymore. He didn't care what his dad would do if he found out what he'd done today. Skipping class, skipping school, ruining the seat of his car... None of that mattered. Maybe he _wanted_ some form of punishment. 

**You deserve this.**

The voice in his head was sudden and loud. Louder than usual. He shook his head, trying to get it out.

**You know you deserve this. You thought they could love you.**

Rich's sobs grew louder and heavier. He could barely breathe.

**You thought _he_ could love you.**

Rich gripped the wheel and started the car again.

**Pathetic.**

**Pathetic.**

"Pathetic," he whispered. "Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic!"

He was yelling. He probably looked crazy. He didn't care anymore. He left the dirt road. There were still some trees. Pretty big ones. He sped up. Even more. And more. And more.

Before he could swerve the car into one of the trees, he stopped. Right next to a tree, only half of the car stayed on the road. He leaned forward, and laughed.

"So fucking pathetic," he said to himself between sad, humorless chuckles. His phone buzzed.

_From: **Cute-ass**_ 🏳️🌈❤️

i was hoping we'd see you at lunch

Rich growled. Of course he'd say that. Of course he'd give him false hope, make him believe he matters.

_From:_ **_Cute-ass_** 🏳️🌈❤️

where are you? wanna talk about that game?

michael said he'll try to be nicer to you

but only if you reply:P

Rich smiled a little before catching himself. He was doing it again, thinking Jeremy cared about him. That he could ever like him as much as the other way around. He didn't want to reply, but a question didn't let him put down the phone.

_To:_ _**Cute-ass**_ 🏳️🌈❤️

whered you get my number

_From: **Cute-ass**_ 🏳️🌈❤️

jake

he said you were gonna have math but you're not here

not in the library either

you okay?

Rich gritted his teeth as he turned off his phone. He didn't need this right now. He threw his phone on the seat next to him, and went back to the road. He didn't know how long was he driving around, but based on the sky that was starting to get orange as the sun was setting, it wasn't ten minutes. He sighed and went home.

"The principal called," his dad said as soon as Rich stepped into the house. "He saw you leave early."

Rich gulped. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

"I pay for these motherfucking books and this motherfucking school, and you just decide you don't wanna stay there any longer?" his dad's words grew louder and louder. "You know what, good. You have a week to get a job."

Rich's eyes widened. "What-"

"Don't talk back," his dad warned him. "You're over 16. I took you outta school, now get a job before I kick you the fuck out."

Rich held back tears. "Yes sir."

The loud noise of his father's hand on his cheek rang in his ear for a bit before he felt the pain. "Go to your room. Fucking failure."

Rich nodded, afraid to say anything else. He was shaking. He needed-

No. He didn't need Jeremy. He didn't need anyone but himself. He sat down in front of his computer, and started searching for a job. That's something he didn't think he'd have to do before 18. 

A store was looking for a cashier down the street. Rich knew the owner, he shopped there a lot. It was a low hanging fruit, and he took it. The owner called him almost immediately to schedule a job interview.

The next day, he woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He winced at the sharp noise, but got up anyways. His head hurt. He put on his best shirt and pants, and left the house in record time. The interview went well. He lied here and there. It probably helped him get the job. 

It's been a week since he'd started working there. He didn't go to school. He didn't answer any calls other than his boss. He wanted to delete Jeremy's number, but a small part of his brain stopped him. So the contact stayed. 

He was reorganizing the snacks on a shelf near to the center of the store, when he heard the bell above the door ring. He turned around to greet the customer, but the usual "good morning, how can I help you" got stuck in his throat.

"Rich," Jeremy said, or maybe asked. Rich wasn't sure. He looked behind Jeremy. He was alone.

"What are you-" he couldn't finish the question. Jeremy ran up to him, and pulled him into a hug. Rich almost hugged back, but stepped away instead. "Why are you here?"

Jeremy looked taken aback. "Jenna said Madeline's new boyfriend saw you here from the street."

"And?" Rich laughed bittersweetly. 

"And you didn't answer your phone, I was scared," Jeremy said. "You disappeared. I tried calling you, I wrote messages, and it was like you stopped existing."

"Why do you care?" Rich rolled his eyes, and went back to the shelf. "It's not like any of you missed me."

"I missed you," Jeremy stepped closer. "I still do."

"Yeah," Rich laughed. "I heard how much you all missed me when I almost sat with you at lunch."

Jeremy's eyes widened. "What?"

Rich shrugged, turning his back to Jeremy fully. "I went there. Then I heard you talk about me, how better it'd be if... How'd Chloe phrase it? The nerd ate in the library?"

Jeremy shook his head. "I... I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

"I still am," he said, placing a hand on Rich's shoulder, turning him around. "You're my friend. I should've stood up to you sooner. I wanted to, I really did."

"What stopped you?" Rich looked up. "You could've said anything, but you didn't. Maybe cause you agreed with her?"

"I'm scared of her," Jeremy said. Rich raised a brow. "At the Halloween party, before the... The fire. She tried to... She almost-"

Rich reached out to hold Jeremy's hand instinctively, his anger melting away with every passing second. "Hey. Breathe."

"Sorry," Jeremy closed his eyes, but he didn't pull away. "She was all over me. My SQU- ehm. It didn't let me leave."

When Jeremy opened his eyes again, Rich felt his heart sink. He didn't know there could be so much sadness and anger in one's eyes.

"I still can't talk to Chloe like a normal person," he continued. "But after lunch, I stopped her. And I asked her to stop being so judgemental. Then I went to find you, but you weren't in the school, and then you disappeared, and I was so scared, because I know how hard it is to be alone, and I know you don't deserve it, because you deserve so much more, and I want you to be happy, and I want to help you to be happy, but I can't even help myself because my stupid heart decided it'd be fun to have a crush on you, and now you probably don't even have my number anymore, and you want me to leave you alone, and I don't know what else to say other than sorry."

Rich stood there, still holding Jeremy's hands. He couldn't move, couldn't blink, couldn't do anything other than stare at Jeremy with wide eyes. It took Jeremy a few seconds to realize what he just said.

"I'm sorry, I should go."

"I didn't delete your number," Rich said. Wow, way to go, you useless bisexual. 

"What?"

"You said I probably don't have your number anymore," he said with a shaky voice. "I do. I couldn't delete it."

"It's actually pretty easy to delete a contact," Jeremy mumbled, making Rich laugh wholeheartedly for the first time in the past week. "Why didn't you answer?"

Rich shrugged. "I was scared I'd want to go back."

"Why?"

"Because," Rich shook his head aggressively, "because I didn't want to kid myself any longer. I don't deserve friends, Jeremy. Especially not you. I don't deserve to sit with you, to talk to you, to date you."

"You really think that?" Jeremy wrinkled his nose. It was adorable. "That you don't deserve any of this? Rich, without you, this wouldn't exist. I wouldn't know you at all. I'd probably still be scared of you. I'd still have one friend in total, and a crush on a girl I never really knew."

"So now you have a crush on a boy who ruined your life?" Rich smiled sadly. 

"I have a crush on a boy who _changed_ my life," Jeremy said as he stepped closer to Rich. "And I really wanna kiss him."

"I don't know, he kinda sounds like a jerk."

Jeremy laughed. "Oh, he is. But he's also nice when he wants to be. And he's funny. And he's awful at Mario Kart, or maybe he just lets me win every time we play."

"I also heard he was a psychopath who burned down a house, and now he looks like Deadpool without the mask," Rich said, but now he was smiling as well. 

"He's the most beautiful person I know," Jeremy barely whispered. They were so close to each other, Rich could almost imagine what it'd be like if their lips touched. Then, he didn't need his imagination.

He didn't know who moved first, all he knew was that Jeremy, adorable, dorky, tall and cute Jeremy Heere was kissing him. And it didn't change much.

His life didn't become perfect. He was still uncomfortable when the whole squad was together, but he was getting better. He was still living with his dad, but he started saving money to move out. And with Jeremy by his side, it was easier than he thought.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it at least a bit. This was my first time writing angst, so I hope I succeeded.   
> Don't hesitate to leave kudos and a comment if you liked it, cause we all know writers need comments to stay alive. Save a writer, write a comment!


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